Politics Go To The Dogs

Earlier this month, the political story of the summer broke right here in the great state of Minnesota.
Even stranger was the fact this particular event happened in Cormorant, a tiny village located in northwest Minnesota between Detroit Lakes and Pelican Rapids. The folks of Cormorant elected a new mayor in a landslide.
The name of the winning candidate is Duke (and no, he’s not Prince’s son.) He is a 7-year-old Great Pyrenees. Yes, a dog. A total of 12 people paid $1 each to vote in the monumental election, and Duke won fair and square. He won’t be paid a typical mayor’s salary. Instead, a nearby pet store has agreed to compensate him for his service to the community with a year’s supply of dog food.
Unfortunately when I first heard about Duke’s victory in Cormorant, I was at home and saw it on the six o’clock news. Sitting right next to me was Homer, who seemed a little too excited over the news. Before I knew it, what I feared would happen was already coming to be. Homer was drawing up a campaign strategy with his sights set on becoming mayor of Worthington.
I tried hard to talk him out of it but, as most great politicians are, I suppose, he can be kind of stubborn sometimes. He has decided wholeheartedly that politics are his calling in life and, at 7 years old, there’s no time better than the present to get his career started.
With all of that in mind, Homer called in a favor. It’s with some reluctance I make good and print his announcement of candidacy. Here it is, exactly as he dictated it to me:
“I, Homer Robert Hacker, do hereby announce my candidacy for the elected position of mayor in the city of Worthington, Minnesota.
People throughout the nation are seeing the benefits of a canine holding public office. From Bosco, who was elected mayor of Sunol, Calif., in the 1980s to the recent victory for Duke in Cormorant, dogs have proven time after time their ability to be effective, fair and loyal leaders.
“If I am elected mayor, I will personally see to it that some of the biggest problems facing Worthington are addressed immediately.
“My first order of business would be to — along with my canine brothers and sisters — rid the community of all small vermin. The days of squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits and our greatest enemies of all, cats, infiltrating our yards would be behind us. Imagine going outside without being taunted by the playful squeaking of a squirrel, high up in a tree where it can’t be dealt with. That day is coming. If need be, I will personally chase them all out of town. (What I would do if I ever caught one, I’m not sure.)
“Another issue I would get to work on right away would be the length of work days for the humans of the community. Personally, I dislike when my human goes to work and I’m left alone at the house. As such, I will encourage all businesses to keep employees at four or fewer hours per day. That allows at least four extra hours of playtime per day, while maintaining a normal 16 hours of sleep.
“Finally, I will gather up all the top scientists in the community to find a way to solve one of our greatest problems of all. Together, we will work to try and find a way to silence that terrifying booming noise the sky makes when it rains. Imagine not having to hide in the bedroom closet whenever it storms. If I’m elected mayor, I will do all I can to make that dream a reality.
“It is with these thoughts in mind that I humbly ask for your support.”
If Homer is to follow in the footsteps of greats like Bosco and Duke, I’m not sure what he might do next. I can only imagine, however, that if he’s victorious in Worthington, he will immediately place his sights on St. Paul — perhaps even Washington.
As you can see, he put quite a bit of thought into this. (As you can also see, his human has an overactive imagination sometimes.)

Leave a Reply